A few years ago, as I drove past an abortion clinic festooned with white men and their misleading posters of decapitated mature 3-month-olds, I slowed down. And I did something very uncharacteristic: I laid on the horn, and gave them the finger.
Then I whipped around in a U-turn and I did it again.
I surprised myself. Normally, I am willing to let people with whom I disagree have their say. Generally, political speech does not so consume me with fury. I believe in freedom of speech. I think those silly white supremacists should be able to parade around in their sheets and their armbands at the Capitol if they want.
But I have no patience with these clinic stalkers at all, with their self-righteous faces and oblivious male bodies that never have and never will face the prospect of abortion or pregnancy.
When I was about 17, I asked my dad what he thought about abortion.
In general, he cheerfully leaped into political discussion—gesticulating wildly to emphasize a point, a twinkle of enjoyment in his eye, eager to engage.
This time, he folded his hands and looked silently down at his feet for a long while. When he finally looked up, the twinkle in his eye had turned into an intense flame.
“I don’t have any opinion on abortion,” he said firmly. “I have no idea, and no way of having an idea, what it is like to be pregnant. No man does. No man has a right to an opinion about abortion, and no man has a right to pass legislation about it.”
I often wish, for so many reasons, that more men could be like my father was.
When this column goes to press, the governor of South Dakota will have signed into law a bill outlawing abortions and criminalizing the act of performing them. And what makes it all the worse is that even as they are passing their laws, they are piling on the sanctimonious babble.
For example, there’s South Dakota Republican Representative Bill Napoli, who describes abortion as “a means of birth control…a means to destroy human life.” Or Randall Terry, founder of Operation Rescue and president of the Society for Truth and Justice (a misnomer that would be hilarious if it were not so creepy), who scornfully calls abortion “baby killing to solve some dilemma.” The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003, written and signed into law by men, makes utterly false medical claims such as “Congress finds that partial-birth abortion is never medically indicated to preserve the health of the mother.” Even the term “partial-birth abortion” is so loaded and misleading it is hateful.
Scores of our so-called leaders describe women who get abortions as lazy, selfish, slutty, stupid and shallow, concerned more with their “figures” than the Life of The Unborn™. They reflect no understanding of the real reasons women choose abortion—or the thought and anguish and soul-searching that goes into it.
As my dad so eloquently said, none of these men have a clue.
I have something of a clue; I am grateful both to providence and modern birth control that I have never had to face the prospect of an abortion, but I have carried life inside of me. And even before that, I—as every woman has—have lived with the possibility that with or without my will, a pregnancy might happen.
Pregnancy can be hard. It can be life-threatening. It is exhausting. How would I have weathered my two pregnancies if I had not wanted them—if the laws of the land had forced me to be an unwilling walking incubator? The thought is horrifying. I do not believe that any man is in a position to understand the true depth of this horror.
I’ve asked many women about abortion. And when they talk, the talk is anguished, or defensive, or contemplative, or sad, or angry. But it is honest talk, told from the voice of experience.
What, I wonder, would our national debate sound like if only women engaged in it?
I am not a starry-eyed dreamer; I know that women can be just as stupid and pigheaded and dogmatic as men. But when we debated abortion rights, we would understand pregnancy, childbirth and abortion in a way these pushy, mouthy and self-righteous men simply cannot. I think the discussions would be very, very different.
And I would be less likely to roll my eyes and switch the radio off, muttering to myself: “What the hell do you know about it, buddy?”
Haddayr Copley-Woods, a writer and graphic designer, works and lives in Minneapolis’ Powderhorn Park neighborhood.
Reader Comments
Posted: Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Article comment by:
Jake
I, as a man, actually mostly agree with you. I don't think a legislature has any right to pass prohibitions of any sort on this issue. I admit, I wonder at times about some of the notification laws, but would rather err on the side of openess and accessibility.
However, I do take exception to the idea that men have absolutely no place in this debate. Do we have a place in the debate if a woman chooses to carry the child/fetus/embryo (whichever label you prefer. I don't want it to be an emotionally charged one) to term? Currently men do not. If the pregnancy resulted from consensual sex, should a man be able to terminate his parental rights and responsibilities before birth? If a birth happens should there be both a presumptive paternity test and presumptive 50/50 physical custody? MN is currently debating the presumptive joint physical custody but only in cases of divorce and it's not presumed to be 50/50.
I must also admit I don't care for the characterization that men can never know what it's like to be pregnant, and thus have no place in this debate. While true, I don't think biology should be used to exclude anyone from any form of debate. It's true, I can't have a physical idea of what pregnancy is. There's plenty of biological differences in men, women can't have a first person idea about. (Like what it's like to not have the certainty of biology that a child is yours) should you be excluded from any debates resulting from those differences? I don't think so.
Posted: Thursday, March 16, 2006
Article comment by:
Michele Olson
Busy as I am filling my own shoes, never mind walking a straight line in them, I find myself AWED at people who not only manage to wear their own shoes, but other people's as well! And I'm thinking there must be a lot of people out there walking around barefoot.
Thank you for a compassionate and thoughtful piece. Your father is this shoe-wearer's definition of "a real man."
Posted: Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Article comment by:
Jessica Cripps
It's nice to see this so eloquently put. I too, had a similar experience a few years ago when the religious right decided to run semi-truck billboards through downtown with graphic images of aborted fetuses on them during the lunch hours. I was so angry I walked around for a half hour giving these jerks "the finger". Needless to say, 100% of these trucks were being driven by middle-aged white men. What gives them the right to lobby and legislate on something that will never touch them as personally as it would a woman? Where is the fair and balanced during the legislation of abortion. In this day and age, how in the HELL can we backpedal like this?? Who ARE these jerks?? Thank you for the article.
Posted: Monday, March 13, 2006
Article comment by:
Anya Gianlorenzi
Wow, I feel totally the same. I am so enraged that men have the gall to think they have any idea of what it would be like to be pregnant without having a choice in the matter. I'm also currently seething about the "compromise" that the legislature seems delighted to be "working together" on regarding Plan B - the emergency contraception pill. I would love it if a few pharmacist decided they had a "moral issue" with dispensing Viagra or Cialis to some old white men & then see where this decision ends up. What if a pharmacist converts to Scientology & decides that all medication is irrelevant & against their moral beliefs? The fact is that a person who has moral issues with a possibly large part of their job should find another job and then do some activist work - not do the activist work at their job. That would get most people fired from their jobs - why doesn't it apply here? Sorry about the rant, I'm just so incredibly irked! Thanks again for a great article.
